Trust!

I have always had issues with that gigantic thing called “trust”. Probably because I have been hurt so many time by people who were close to me. From family doing the whole “teasing a shy girl will make her less shy” routine (it only made it worse, until I grew up enough to tease back) to friends in school sharing confidences, turning on me or worse.

So, understandably, I’m not entirely comfortable trusting people. Even close friends, who have never given me a reason to distrust them. Once my trust is broken by a person, good and proper, I find it exceptionally difficult to ever confide in them again – to which some people will testify even today. So, in the spirit of sharing bad poetry (I have no idea where that sentence came out from)…

Fragile, porcelain Trust

Shatters

On cold, hard Life

Fine shards never fit back into place

Partly fixed?

Partly whole?

Can Trust ever be truly absolute again?

Wholly restored, like a broken vase?

They say

Time

Is the best healer

Anyone else feel similarly about trust?

Unhappy times.

Right now I'm not a very happy person (in fact, its 2.45am, I've been awake since 1am, and I cant get back to sleep...). I'm hoping that blogging will help!

On my mind:

• My Msc. Its not going too well at the moment, and I'm very stressed out. More so today (actually yesterday), because one of my pieces of equipment shattered into roughly 10 000 000 pieces, and I'll have to get another one made.
• Ill have to start recording another experiment in the meantime. This means that Ill have to try and fine-tune EXACTLY what I'm going to do, plan for the worst possible scenario, and then expect that the worst WILL happen (inevitably, in this project, it really will...).
• I haven't been scoring data like the machine that I should be. This past weekend, I worked late on Friday, did a few hours on Saturday, and nothing on Sunday. And nothing today either.
• I'm worried about my brother, although it has been totally awesome to have my "normal" brother back!
• My parents - I fought with my dad over a relatively minor issue yesterday. I hate fighting. And my mom is questioning my relationship with KCB, which brings me to my next point...
• KCB. Maybe I'm just way too stressed out so that every minor thing is a huge one, but I'm not coping too well even being in a relationship right now! Things like "he isn't treating me right cos he didn't pick me up to go to that wedding" (Thanks for that one, mom), to "he knows I'm super stressed out, why doesn't he frikkin phone instead of gchat?". In retrospect, I'd probably deal with all of the issues a whole lot better if I was calm and rational. Instead, in my head they are all blown up to these humongous things, to the point where, when I was tossing and turning earlier, I just wanted to call everything off.
• I just want a holiday. And to cry. My neck hurts, my sinuses are not behaving themselves, and I just would like to find myself a nice mountain that I can go and be a hermit on. Bugger the masters!

Malawi/Mozambique trip: Part 1

The bus trip

For the record, I have no problem slating this particular bus company, because, quite frankly, they need to jack up their service and stop being such a dodgy bus company. Even the "regular" travellers on the bus had a horrendous time, and swore never to take this bus again! Since I have been back, people who heard about my trip have told me that they never, ever use this particular company, because it is so dodgy! Hindsight is such a marvellous thing...

I diligently journaled the events of the bus trip, which is a good thing because so many things happened. However, if nothing else, the take-home message from this part of the trip is: Never use the JR CHOEU bus company. Ever. For any destination. However, I might use another bus company to travel some more - its cheap and you see way more of the countryside than if you flew, not to mention the fact that you get some of the culture too. Anyway, without further ado, here are my notes (square brackets are my thoughts now). Apologies for the confused tenses - I added stuff after it was written, and am too lazy to change it all to the same tense!

• Arrived at JR Choeu building at 7.30, in the middle of town [no, really, the middle of the middle, it was quite dodgy]! Got tickets which was a relief, since I was sure that they would have sold out cos we booked on the morning we were leaving! [with hindsight, this is probably an indication of how dodgy the bus actually is...] But there is no bus yet. People are packing an enormous removal truck that is 22m long, full of goods that are being taken to Malawi.
• 9.30. Still no bus. I discovered the law of packaging tape though: every item of baggage must be covered in as much brown packaging tape as possible, the desirable state of the item is that you shouldn't be able to see any of the original bag/box under the packaging tape. [I was vastly amused by this, it kept me entertained for a few hours] The truck is still being loaded.
• 11.00. Found another law: the law of packing. This law states that there is ALWAYS room for more baggage. Even if there isn't really... We discover that the truck must move before the bus can come.
• 11.30. We watch as the doors to the truck are forced closed on account of the truck being overloaded. Hoping the bus will arrive soon, because the truck has now departed.
• 12.30. No bus. We are assured that the bus will come by 1.15. [At this point, I started telling my parents that we hadn't in fact left yet, and was contemplating getting them to try find a bus company that went to Mangochi that had a number that worked... Travel Partner said we should just wait it out]
• 1.15. No bus.
• 3pm. People are threatening violence against the bus company and its employees, who aren't communicating with us. Bus company hands out cooking oil and food to placate the passengers.
• 5pm. Bus arrives after I got my mom to try and find alternative travel arrangements. Getting on the bus was the most stressful short-term event I have ever experienced! Trying to get your luggage and self onto the bus was crazy. Everyone pushes and shoves, and it is just insane... The bus was one of those extended buses, with no trailer. So much luggage was piled into the bus itself - don't think this is legal. We think the trip was overbooked for a normal bus, so they had to get the bigger capacity bus, and then the licence to go with the bigger bus. There is luggage everywhere.
• 7pm. We attempt to leave, drive 2 blocks, then return to the start point. The brakes sound super dodgy, and I hope that I make it out of the trip alive...
• Eventually we left. It was night time, and on account of being exceptionally lonely throughout the day, and not wanting to use my phone too much (because we were in the middle of JHB), I was smsing people like crazy. The rest of the time, I spent gazing at the stars, and thinking. Lots.

.

• My first border crossing ever! We arrived at the Beit bridge border post early the next morning [I think about 4am on the SA side]. The SA side was pretty quick, about an hour, and I saw my first case of a fake passport [he was a Malawian guy, and taken in for questioning, but later we saw him back on the bus...]. The Zimbabwean side took in the region of 3-4 hours to get through.
• By the time we left the border post, the sun was well and truly up, and I got to see the landscape - loads of random baobabs. [I didn't get to see any of the landscape as we travelled north through South Africa, so I had no idea as to what to expect, and it came as a bit of a surprise, although a pleasant one] Its rather pretty. I told TP about savannas, tree-grass interactions and a bit about landscape drivers. He must think I'm nuts, and I'm not sure that I explained very well either...
• We got stopped at every roadblock we came across, and got 2 fines. Bus driver and "handlers" paid bribes. Good times.
• Dusk: We arrive at Harare: "Welcome to Harare. Enjoy our pleasent environment", with litter and a broken landscape behind the sign. By now, I'm impatient, a little hungry, and really missing communication from the outside world. We were stopped in Harare, and the bus impounded. We waited for another hour, while another bribe was paid. The other passengers were fed up and hungry. The food money was used for the bribe. I was getting fed up with TP, he wouldn't stop complaining and saying "if we had taken another bus we would be at...", etc. I discover that we will have to spend the night at the border between Zimbabwe and Mozambique. TP slept and I had complete sense of humour failure as TP wont send an sms to let KCB (who was fetching us from Mangochi) know where we were, and that we had been delayed. So I cried, knowing that there is nothing I can do but wait this out, and make the best of a really bad situation.
• TP lets me send an sms when we get to the border, but doesn't wait for a reply before switching off the phone, to conserve his battery [I still had battery, but he didn't want to swap sim cards, and I couldn't use my phone because I don't have international roaming]. The bus is humid and stuffy, cramped and uncomfortable. I left the bus, stepping on people, over people, disturbing them as I try to exit. I find myself a spot on the road to the weigh-bridge and put my feet on one of the blocks. My feet and ankles were really sore from being down for 2 days and not moving.
• I had a chat with DG, a girl of roughly my age from Malawi. We struggled to make ourselves understood, since her English wasn't amazing, and I don't speak any Chichewe. I was shocked to discover that most of the bus thought that TP and I were married! YUCK!!! [my thoughts at this point went along the lines of, if I ever do this again, I'm travelling with my boyfriend!]
• I fall asleep in the early hours of the morning, with my shoes off, backpack under my knees and a copy of Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy as my pillow [strangely fitting], and pearl-spotted owls calling close by. I woke up once to put a jersey and my shoes back on, and then again to turn over. I was so unbelievably comfortable, that I'm not entirely sure why I woke up, but was immediately glad that I did, because the bus had started up and was moving toward me [The danger of sleeping in the road is that you could be run over...]! This was my first 3 hours of sleep in two days.

.

• After the sleep I find my sense of humour recovered, and I'm ready to deal with the next part of the trip. I'm still super irritated with TP. We have an apple which TP eats for breakfast, and he shares his packet of chips with me, while masticating in my ear.
• We cross into Mozambique without too many hassles, although as usual, it takes forever to get back onto the road. At the city of Tete, we wait to cross the Zambezi river - the bridge is under construction/repair, and is only open to one lane of traffic at a time. I changed money here, since we would be getting an extremely good rate of 22.50 Malawi Kwacha to a ZA rand. We crossed the massive river, and found that the country was rather pretty after the ugliness of Tete, and the dryness of the landscape before the city.
• I managed to sleep on the bus in the afternoon - must have been exhausted!
• Customs at Malawi took forever... All the luggage that was on the bus was taken off an checked by customs officials. As everything was being re-packed, we discover that the bus has no intention of taking TP and I to Mangochi. In the meantime, KCB somehow managed to get hold of the driver, who gave the phone to me, and in this way, we arranged to get dropped off at a police roadblock near the border, and KCB would come and pick us up (a long drive for him!). TP arranged this, cos KCB phoned back while I went and found a really dodgy toilet at the border...
• After about 3 hours, KCB arrived! Was so happy to see him, and despite not seeing him for 3 months, things were not awkward at all!

This ends the bus trip story. It took me a while to recover, and for a few days I was rather emotional, but I came out alive and unscathed :) Here are some factoids from the trip:

• In 72 hours, I went to the toilet 3 times.
• I drank 2 litres of water, and 2 cokes.
• Between TP and I, we shared 1 packet of chips, 2 apples and 10 mini seed bars.
• I slept about 5 hours
• I crossed 3 borders, and went through 6 border posts
• We travelled approximately 2000km

I'm more than a little impressed with myself, that as a first time traveller, I managed to survive this!

One reason that animals are bad...

That reason is that they die. Sometimes, inexplicably, other times, because of old age. Either way, its horribly upsetting, even if you have tried your hardest to remain emotionally distant. I was thinking earlier about the kinds of people who are able to remain detached, and thus, their suitability to study to study animals, but then came to the conclusion that they probably wouldn't care enough to study them in the first place.

Utter confusion reigns

I wrote an entry a while ago, On etiquette. In it, I described the worst type of unreliable character one could ever hope to meet... Well, my 'friendship' with said character (lets call him... Ernest, shall we...?) has sort of continued since then. I am sure of neither his intentions, nor his feelings with regard to me, and thus, felt the need to blog about it.

Since the etiquette post, I saw Ernest at an event that I invited him to, my birthday party, my field work (vegetation sampling), and then he invited me to help him with an adventure activity. Since then, I have invited him to help me with trapping, along with several others (I need quite a bit of help!), and he invited me to go to church. Oh and to help on a weekend camp...

Firstly, vegetation sampling with him (and my mom) was really good, if a little slower than I'm used to. I enjoyed his company, and it made for an interesting morning. That day, he asked if I would like to help him with his adventure activity thing, a few days later. I agreed, because it would be fun, and also because I haven't really taken the day off completely for a very long time. That day, I discovered he was quite a passionate christian. No problemo, except for the fact that I'm not exactly the epitome of one... In fact, if you met me, you probably would not guess my religious affiliation... This was all good and well, until it came up that I had glandular fever (aka "kissing disease").

[I think this is highly unfair name - common colds and flu are spread in exactly the same way, but they are not called 'kissing illness"...]

And despite the fact that I didn't get it from kissing anyone, I was proclaimed to be a "promiscuous kisser"... YES! UNFAIR! (I was imagining may flocks of turtles in my mind right then...)

Anyway, I sent out an email with regard to my trapping this coming week, and, it took Ernest till today to let me know in all definiteness! When I texted him yesterday afternoon, with a friendly message, he said that he was going for a ride with his sister. And replied to me at 1am! Seriously, WTF? Then, today (I mean, this afternoon), he says that he cant come trapping, because of his hectic week, with his sister leaving and all, and then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to go to church with him. So I agreed, and left it at that. I was on my way back from the south, when he phoned me... And it turned out he could make church tonight, but wanted to clarify that he maybe could come trapping on Tuesday? He then proceeded to confirm about Tuesday, and ask me if I would help him on a camp coming up...

I am so super confused about this oke! He has offered a few times to watch mouse videos (of all things) with me, can be super-attentive when I'm with him, but then doesn't contact me? Or does he actually like me? What on earth?

Helen, please please please don't say "I told you so"!

Of teaspoons and soapboxes

I have had quite a few things on my mind this past week. Amongst other things, I am getting my first laptop (YAY!), my parents and grandparents had a holiday, a Halloween dress-up is coming, nothing is happening with my project (a bad thing). So, instead, I have been thinking about the ills of the world. And teaspoons.

A while ago in one of our lab meetings, we discussed an awesome paper that was published in the British Medical Journal (BMJ) about disappearing teaspoons. The authors did a neat little study on teaspoons in tearooms. They had a few interesting findings, one of which really surprised me: The rate of disappearance of higher quality spoons was not significantly higher than that of lower quality spoons... Anyway, what I have gotten around to thinking about, is that there must be some kind of teaspoon heaven (also mentioned in the paper, as a possibly place to go for unlimited spoons). Seriously. Teaspoons must be going somewhere, and surely the would have reached a saturation point by now, if teaspoons are still being manufactured! So: Is there a teaspoon heaven?

And now for the second: The soapbox. I live in South Africa, almost a new country. We have recently become a democracy, and our past is shrouded in racism. One would think, in the normal progression of things that people who have previously been oppressed would get a sense of entitlement, and this is generally the case. Fair enough. But it appears not to be limited to one race. Everyone (ok ok, a lot of people) has this attitude!

If everyone has the same sense of entitlement, the same attitude of "I'll take everything you can give me and more", where does this leave us? Less than what we started with. If no-one can be accommodating, and maybe even giving (instead of taking), the world (or SA), or even my university community might be a happier place?

One example I have thought about is littering. I've posted on the subject before, and now might have some insight into why people do it. Its rather complicated, but with my theory of entitlement, might just make sense. Maybe people litter because if someone else has to pick up their rubbish, they will be higher up in the proverbial food chain than the cleaner. So, although I don't throw down my sweet wrappers, pens and other general rubbish, I have made a resolution:

To pick up just a few pieces of litter a day.

It wont be much, and I'm not going to make much of a difference, but still. Its something. How else do you challenge and change the attitudes and mindsets of those around you?

On etiquette!

First thoughts: what a weird looking word. Second thoughts: What a loaded word...

I had a dinner party over the weekend, because I had my house all to myself, and also because even though I enjoy hosting events like these, I hadn't had one in about a year. So I emailed out invites with two weeks to go to my chosen date-of-party, to see who would be keen... I had most of my responses that week, and subsequently sent out a follow up email with important details (such as my house address) to those who had said they were coming. With two days to go to the dinner, a few people still hadn't replied!

Bad etiquette #1: Not RSVP-ing. Or RSVP-ing after the set date. This is generally for catering purposes (usually important if you would like to get fed). It really doesn't bother me if parties aren't your thing! Rather just tell me if you will be coming or not - I don't really give a hoot for your reasons! So I managed to get answers put of most of the people, after cornering them, and looking angry.

So I made food happily (I like cooking), one more guest was added to the guest list (which was fine, she had a legit excuse to change her RSVP), and I got more and more rushed as the day of the dinner wore on.

Good etiquette #1: Helping the hostess. Well, in my books anyway! This comes into the fact that I was running late, and being a bad hostess. All of the people who arrived early chipped in with help, and made my life just that little bit easier. (Even though I continued to be a bad hostess later on that evening when I had to finish making the pudding...)

The guests were asked to arrive at 7pm. Most of the had arrived by 7.20pm. By 7.45, one guest had not made his appearance. So I sms'ed him, asking if he was on his way...

REALLY Bad etiquette #2: RSVP-ing positively, then not pitching. With a really bad excuse. He was at a concert, which had been delayed due to rain. So instead of letting me know early, he waited for ME to contact HIM to tell me that he probably wouldn't be coming through. Like, Seriously??

All in all, the dinner was fun.

Good etiquette #2: Generally being sociable. It makes life so much easier if you are the hostess!

My guests excused my disorganisation, and some even wanted to help me clean up afterwards! I learnt a new good etiquette rule too:

Good etiquette #3: Bringing the host/hostess a gift (doesn't have to be anything big!), to thank them for the party. It really made me feel hugely appreciated, so thanks to those guests that did!

This brings me to my last note on etiquette:

Bad etiquette #3: Not RSVP-ing 'till after the event. Or not RSVP-ing at all! Seriously. How hard it is to type out a few words on an email?

I suppose you can't be too uptight about people not having the perfect etiquette, but I don't think it's ok to be downright rude to the person who invited you... Thoughts?